It’s my 30th birthday today!

Last year, when the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I was at the hospital getting urine tests and an ultrasound to see if my 6-week pregnancy was still viable. I was told it was, but I was still too sick. I would spend that birthday on the floor of my living room, in a complete daze and with intermittent pain, while my husband took care of me.

A few weeks later, I got confirmation of my miscarriage, went in for a surgical procedure, and then had to deal with healing from that experience. I will share and talk about this story of my miscarriage when I’m ready. Shortly after, my maternal grandmother died in my arms, a month after we had buried my paternal grandmother.  I spent the rest of the year dealing with grief in various forms, and moving through each day expecting very little. I missed my dissertation deadline and couldn’t graduate as planned. I was really just moving in the spirit of just doing things that I could, and forcing strength. I still had my smile. I hated missing my targets…but life goes on.

This year, we’re in the middle of a pandemic and even though I’m working on communications and community engagement as part of the national response, it still feels surreal. I had plans for this birthday, as I wanted to celebrate healing and thriving, even against very difficult circumstances. I wanted to have my loved ones around me to celebrate this milestone. I wanted to just sink into the deep appreciation of everything and everyone that has held me up and kept my light alive. My plans will have to wait, but life goes on.

Today, I turn 30 and gratitude is my prayer. I have so many reasons to get on my knees and thank the Universe for my journey so far, and for the simple fact that I am here to celebrate this day. When I was a child, 30 felt like a century away. My brain processes age in various steps and with the end of each decade, I visualise myself crossing over to another step. It’s always been this way, and the images are so vivid, they kill the idea that age is abstract for me. As I take another step onto that mysterious staircase in my head, I’m moved to reflect on my life and what being Jama Jack for the past 30 years has meant for me. I can’t say it all in one blog. I can’t even fit it all in a book, but if there’s one way to to sum it up, it’s that life always goes on and I’m thankful.

Every year, on my birthday especially,  people pour so much love into me and I always end up in tears. Another thing many do is remind me that I’m an inspiration, in many different ways. Sometimes, this is a lot and I don’t know how to deal with it. The burden of inspiration can be very heavy, especially in a society that will elevate you for as long as it wants and still throw you to the trash when you no longer fit its prescribed image. My years have been quite a balancing act, with the end goal being to always stay true to myelf and my values. And so I embrace the goodwill and the love, reminding myself that it is well-deserved appreciation and acknowledgement for my person and the work I do.

Some days, the load is so heavy, it gets me wishing to be unknown. However, through the years, I have come to learn and appreciate that we do not always get to choose our purpose in this world. We have our wants and desires, but what we truly serve in this world is often predestined. And maybe, this life of public service was my predestination. When I set out on this journey at age 10, I had no idea what it would look like or where it will lead me. It hasn’t been an easy one, and sometimes the real struggle is only seen and acknowledged by the people close to me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is what my story was supposed to look like and, to be honest, if I had to decide the plot myself, I would write the same script.

I did not arrive here alone. I did not do it on my own. I have had people hold my hand through this journey, breathing life and essence into my every step, picking me when I fall, and drawing me into a cocoon of love, warmth, forgiveness and prayer when the harsh winds threaten to take me away.

I am rooted in the service of the women who came before me, within and outside of my family. I am watered by the love and encouragement from my loved ones and strangers alike. The pruning and weeding from my sisters remind me that I can make mistakes, learn from them and be better. Our shared feminist vision to achieve liberation for all women and oppressed people keeps me firm. My mother’s prayers protect me, and I can count on my partner, my husband, to hold me in his arms for a celebratory dance or a comforting cuddle.

With every step, I am more assured of my purpose and grounded in my determination to fulfil it against all odds. It means a lot of learning, unlearning and doing better. It means making many mistakes and learning to forgive myself and use them as lessons. It means acknowledging that there is still so much I don’t know, and that is why I dedicate so much time to learning. I learn even better when I teach and share. It is the exchanges I have had in many different circles that have enriched my experience, sharpened my expertise and positioned me to keep blazing new trails and opening paths for the ones who will come after me, just like the ones before me have done.

I have no idea what the next decade holds for me, and I’m excited to find out. What I do know is that I am ready to answer the many calls that will come. I also know that this is a decade of realignment with my purpose, a refinement of my voice, an increase in patience and more, importantly, growth and kindness. I will continue to learn and share, love and allow myself to receive love, care and make the space to be cared for. I will pause, slow down to savour moments and make memories. I will make peace with loss and embrace the gains. Life goes on, right?

In the end, when this life thing is all over, I pray that I can look back at the journey and smile, knowing that I have fulfilled my purpose.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep shining this light and revelling in the glory of this Linguere journey of service, achievement, sisterhood, love, compassion and kindness.

Pray for me.